WWII

Campbell Newman Admits To Winning WWII

Brisbane, QLD – A particularly candid Campbell Newman has spoken to The Strayan this afternoon, as the Queensland Premier revealed the heroic details of how he single-handedly won World War II and More »

LNP Endorse Beaker For Stafford

Brisbane, QLD – Beaker from The Muppet Show has been offically endorsed as the Liberal National Party’s candidate for the Stafford by-election on July 19. The shy, long-suffering assistant of Dr. Bunsen More »

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UQU Rocked By Allegations Of Wanting An Election This Year

Brisbane, Dame QLD – The University of Queensland Union has been shaken to its foundations this morning as shocking revelations emerged that the student organisation has sought to hold a general election More »

Brisbane Unveils Plan To Convert Entire City To Tunnels By 2026

Described by some as ‘the most ambitious engineering project ever conceived’, Brisbane Lord Mayor Graham Quirk has proudly unveiled new plans to relocate Brisbane in its entirety to tunnels by the end More »

New Queensland Legislation Forces Bikies To Gay Marry Each Other

Brisbane, QLD – In the latest chapter of the Queensland Government’s battle with motorcycle gangs, legislation passed this afternoon stipulates that those who are found guilty of participation in a Bikie Gang More »

Top achievement as Minister for Women was carbon tax repeal, PM says

In an interview with Channel Nine, Prime Minister Tony Abbott says his biggest achievement for women in 2014 was repealing the carbon tax.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott has revealed that his biggest achievement for women in 2014 was repealing the carbon tax.

In an interview with Channel Nine’s The Today Show, host Lisa Wilkinson asked Mr Abbott what he thought was his biggest achievement as the country’s Minister for Women.

“Well, you know, it is very important to do the right thing by families and households,” Mr Abbott said. “As many of us know, women are particularly focused on the household budget and the repeal of the carbon tax means a $550 a year benefit for the average family.”

He then promised to have his “fair dinkim” paid parental scheme introduced to the Parliament in 2015. Mr Abbott also added that he was “very pleased” to be able to promote three women during Sunday’s cabinet reshuffle.

This is directly taken from SBS, because sometimes reality seems like satire.

UQU Election Party Preview

UQU

 

 

Rocket
Rocket

Strength: 90% male candidacy ensures maximum euphoria
Weakness: UQU Student Election
Name Choice: Super meta-irony humour
Funding From: Giovanni
Political Allegiance: No party would approve membership; Young PUP
Food Policy: Mountain Dew and Doritos
Fun Fact: Team Rocket always win in the TV Show, so we assume they will in the election

 

Reform

Reform

Strength: 2 x Weekly Free Breakfast policy will continue Reform’s ultimate dream of converting the UQU into mid-range Bed & Breakfast
Weakness: Were unable to match Fresh’s record of 0 elections held in 2012
Name Choice: Shorthand version of the ‘Christian Reformed Churches of Australia’ congregation that make up the entire ticket
Funding From: Will be revealed at ICAC
Political Allegiance: Pepsi Max™
Food Policy: Guzman y Gomez, to open in Spring 2035
Mascot: That wookie-dog; Josh Millroy
Fun Fact: They have a few campaigners handing out several flyers, you probably haven’t got any of those flyers yet though.

 

Thrive

Thrive

Strength: Foam Frenzy policy now rabies-free; Orange guarantees the Dutch demographic
Weakness: Anyone who has a memory that stretches back to September 2013
Name Choice: Everyone simultaneously forgot that the name Fresh was available
Funding From: Now that Fresh aren’t in power, who knows
Political Allegiance: You know it, we know it, do we need to mention it; Young Greens
Food Policy: Learnt from Max Brenner mistake; will bring $18.95 Mee Goreng to campus
Mascot: Andre the Audit
Fun Fact: Thrive are not Fresh

 

Lift

Lift

Strength: Probably get their strength from lifting; pink shirts
Weakness: Only has six opportunities to appeal election left
Name Choice: Named after their cornerstone policy of installing lifts in every building
Funding From: Busking in Queen St mall; Mum
Political Allegiance: Lift National Party
Food Policy: Several apples and a Mars bar for cheat day
Mascot: Campaigners would be a start
Fun Fact: Lift are contesting the election

 

StudentAction

Student Action

Strength: Have campaigned every single day since the Tampa affair
Weakness: Quiet campaigners; Israeli occupation
Name Choice: Chosen because ‘Union of Soviet Socialist Republics’ was taken
Funding From: Selling Red Flag like capitalist pigs
Political Allegiance: Probably not Tony Abbott eh
Food Policy: Communal wheat and mead
Mascot: Suppose it’s the 420 Fedora Fanatic
Fun Fact: 85% of campaigners are Med students

Wales Votes ‘Yes’ To Being Recognised As ‘Anything Really, Please’

Wales

Cardiff, WALES – People from Swansea to Llanfairpwllgwyngyll have gone to the voting booths across Wales today, voting heavily in favour of being recognised by anyone about anything to do with the embattled member of the United Kingdom.

Despite exit polls suggesting a close battle between being ‘being discussed in small-talk sometimes’ and ‘completely un-noteworthy in every single way’, the Welsh people decided strongly in favour of others having some level of interest in its future.

Wales’ First Minister Carwyn Jones said he was satisfied by the result and called on the global community to recognise Wales for really anything they find interesting.

“This is a result that further supports the notion that Wales is certainly a place where things happen,” the Right Honourable Jones told The Strayan this evening, adding that “we have lots of grassy hills, and my official title as First Minister is Prif Weinidog Cymru, which I suppose is sort of interesting and could make a news story somewhere perhaps.”

“Earlier this year we had some great traction when several people searched ‘Wales’ on Google, but we later found out that they were all mistyped searches for ‘whales’.

A recent study revealed that while more than 95% of people knew that England and Scotland were part of the United Kingdom, Wales fell behind Northern Ireland, Hogwarts, the T.A.R.D.I.S. and ‘the place where Bond has his British shenanigans’.

It was revealed that many people also confuse Wales with Sodor, the fictitious home of Thomas the Tank Engine. “It has to be conceded that there are no sentient locomotives in real-life Wales, no matter how hard we may attempt to suggest otherwise.”

First Minister Jones was still cautiously optimistic for Wales’ future however, noting that he “dreamt of a day when Welshmen are known for more than their affinity for sheep, because that’s New Zealand’s role in the world.”

Campbell Newman Admits To Winning WWII

WWII

Brisbane, QLD – A particularly candid Campbell Newman has spoken to The Strayan this afternoon, as the Queensland Premier revealed the heroic details of how he single-handedly won World War II and ended the bloodiest conflict in human history.

“I was the guy that stormed the beaches of Normandy and won off Germans in Stalingrad,” Mr Newman noted, adding that the daring escape from Dunkirk which saved countless lives was also part of his overall strategy to restore world order and defeat the Nazis.

“People seem to forget that it was me that took on Rommel across North Africa, led armies to victory in the Battle of the Bulge, and helped save the Rats of Tobruk. It reminds me of when I spoke to the people of England as their Prime Minister, proclaiming that we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets and we shall never surrender.”

“That speech and the scientific progress made with the Manhatten Project are some of Campbell Newman’s greatest achievements, and the sort of wonderful thing you get from Campbell Newman and you will continue to get from Campbell Newman,” Campbell Newman told The Strayan about Campbell Newman.

Members of the public have praised the embattled leader, noting that Queenslanders would be well served to remember how Newman raised the flag at Iwo Jima and led the French Resistance against Petain’s Vichy Government.

At press time, the Queensland Premier was midway through an inner-monologue, deciding whether his journey to the moon aboard Apollo 11 or his Emancipation Proclamation was of greater importance to the world.

Sepp Blatter Opens Bidding Process To Win World Cup Final

São Paulo, BRAZIL – Speaking to the 64th congress of world football’s governing, FIFA president Sepp Blatter has announced that the bidding process to win the 2014 FIFA World Cup has officially begun. Excited fans now await a month of competition which will decide which nation can most effectively bribe the governing body – and attain glory in the quadrennial football tournament.

“It is hard to believe that it has been four years since the last journey of backroom dealings and corruption,” noted one fan at Copacabana Beach, who remembers the hugely successful and corrupt South African tournament held in 2010. “I think it will be even more competitive this year though; there are so many countries that could pay off Sepp Blatter and the rest of his apparatchiks,” the fan continued to add.

Pre-tournament heavyweights Brazil were in fine form during the tournament opener, which included a well-structured dive and wrongfully awarded penalty. “The game [against Croatia] definitely shows that Brazil mean business down here,” ESPN analyst Robert Paulson told The Strayan, adding that Brazil’s ‘business’ would largely be comprised of sending bags of cash to the necessary officials in the organisation.

As the tournament progresses and other powerhouses of corruption such as Spain, Germany and Argentina take to the field in the world’s greatest sporting competition, it will become clear that anyone can win the affections of Sepp Blatter. Dark horses such as Qatar are also likely to make a bid – which, if successful, would be all the more incredible given they failed to qualify for the finals.

“These underdog stories are all part of the magic of the sport,” a São Paulo local noted, “this truly is the beautiful game of money.”

Abbott Meets Osama & Gluten in Canadia

OsamaGluten

Owattar, CANADIA – The world tour of Austrian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has continued this afternoon, as the leader’s itinerary saw him rub shoulders with the powerful Presidents Osama and Gluten of the United States and Russia respectively. The wonderful photo-op came just days after Abbott met with Japanese leader Mr Miyagi for free-trade agreement negotiations in the Japanese capital Toyota.

“It was a pleasure to speak with President Osama,” Mr Abbott told The Strayan, affirming that “few men have done as much good in the 21st century as Osama – especially to the people of the United States.” The Austrian leader controversially also heaped praise upon President Gluten, who is governing in his third term as leader of Prussia. “Gluten should not be criticised for his aggressive foreign policy, treatment of minority groups or celiac disease.”

Abbott continued on this point, citing the seminal Women’s Health Magazine in his defense of President Gluten, believing that “most of us unknowingly love him, because Gluten gives our favorite foods that special touch: It makes pizza dough stretchy, gives bread its spongy texture, and is used to thicken sauces and soups.”

“People with a chronic celiac disease fall ill because their bodies regard even a tiny crumb of bread as a malicious invader and mount an immune response, but we all know that President Gluten would never invade anyone, or anything for that matter.”

The meetings ended another successful week for the charismatic, eloquent and affable Prime Minister, who last week traveled to Europe for the 70th B-Day celebrations in France. “Whose birthday is it anyway,” Abbott was heard to whisper to nobody in particular while standing on the site of the Normandy landings.

At press time Tony Abbott was visibly straining to push a door marked pull.

LNP Endorse Beaker For Stafford

Brisbane, QLD – Beaker from The Muppet Show has been offically endorsed as the Liberal National Party’s candidate for the Stafford by-election on July 19. The shy, long-suffering assistant of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker was reportedly excited about the prospect of representing the people of Stafford in State Parliament.

“Mee-mee-mee mee”, Beaker told The Strayan this afternoon, noting that his years of experience as a laboratory assistant would help him generate strong health policy for all Queenslanders moving forward. Responding to criticism of his shock selection, Beaker was the first to acknowledge his long history of being a magnet for misfortune.

“There was always going to be controversy surrounding the decision to endorse a strange looking fellow like Beaker,” political commentator Robert Paulson carefully noted, adding that “his appearances at public events typically involve him being blown up, electrocuted, eaten by large monsters, or losing body parts.”

“It’s certainly not the most positive public image to convey to the local residents of Stafford.”

“Mee-mee-mee mee mee-mo mee meo-mee meep mee-mo mee,” Mr Beaker said as he met with local consitutents, adding that “Mee-meep mee mo-mee mee meep.” The Premier was quick to agree with the remarks.

At press time it was clear that the candidate for Stafford is not a mere puppet of the LNP; rather he is a Muppet of the LNP.

Billowing 4/20 Smoke Signals Pope Francis’ Ascension To Blazedom

Vatican City, ROME – Thousands of onlookers who packed into St. Peter’s Square this evening have been rewarded, as smoke billowing from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel confirmed the ascension of Pope Francis to the top tier of papal blazedom.

Coinciding with Easter Sunday this year, the traditional ritual dates back to the 13th century when Pope Clement IV passed an edict that all of God’s children should just relax and chill out for a little while; a message that resonates with orthodox and progressive catholics alike.

Tradition dictates that the cardinals meet in the Sistine chapel, where they seek solace in His almighty power and just sometimes stare at the ceiling. “That room has some really sick paintings like the Michelangelo one with man and God and it’s totally freaking awesome if you stare at it long enough. It’s like God is right there chatting to you. Some witch doctor magic. I wish I could paint like that. What was I talking about?” the cardinal of Aquitaine told The Strayan extremely slowly.

After this period of prayer and spititual consultation, known in latin as the iter hotboxus maximas, Pope Francis was determined to be worthy of his ascension to blazedom, a title that he may carry in both this life and the next. Cardinals celebrated by watching Spongebob and Adventure Time.

“During the coronation of a new Blaze Pope, hemp is burned and the words legibus confirmo hoc est gloria mundi, “Legalise this it’s the glory of the world,” are recited. It’s meant to represent the permanent nature of the glorious blaze,” Cardinal Roberto Paulson of Turin noted, before adding that “popes come and go, but the papacy, one of the world’s enduring institutions, continues to provide spiritual guidance to over a billion Catholics. Also Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd – that shit will take you on an eternal journey!”

Pope Francis addressed the congregation in St. Peter’s Square, praising the sacrifice of Jesus and asking whether anyone in the crowd had brought Doritos.

“Hosanna, hosanna in the highest brah,” the Pope declared to conclude his speech.

Nauru Conditions ‘Have Hugely Improved’, Says Asylum Seekers

UQU Rocked By Allegations Of Wanting An Election This Year

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Brisbane, Dame QLD – The University of Queensland Union has been shaken to its foundations this morning as shocking revelations emerged that the student organisation has sought to hold a general election this year to decide who runs the 46,000 member Union.

Brave anonymous whistle-blowers announced the treasonous action via pieces of scrap paper, thought to be a symbolic reference to when investigative journalists Woodward and Bernstein slipped a napkin with hastily written notes under the door of the District Attorney’s office to bring down President Nixon 1972.

UQU’s pro-election greed is not dissimilar to a Somalian warlord

The claims have confirmed long-held suspicions that the UQ Union would be willing to hold another student election within the foreseeable future. “Having consistent elections each year without rigging or abolishing simply goes against the culture of St Lucia campus. It’s madness I tellz ya, absolutely madness,” one undergraduate student remarked before jumping into UQ Lakes to be consumed by ravenous ducks and geese.

“What is clear is that these revelations have shaken UQ to its core,” lamented another brave student who we’ll just say isn’t a Young LNP member, adding that the controversy actually had to be pretty huge to rock UQ because of all the sandstone; “I mean that shit is solid and doesn’t fall down easily, right?”

Social media exploded to denounce the organisation

What has become abundantly clear is that the UQ Union is meant to provide student services, support and representation, but so far have only provided fascist socialism and a communist junta that isn’t even the greatest dictatorship at Riverstage in the last fortnight.

Using the same methods of stringent bipartisanship employed by UQ Stalkerspace, The Strayan reached out to UQ Union executive members Craig Thompson, Eddie Obeid and Adolf Hitler for comment, however no contact has been made at the time of publishing.

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