WWII

Campbell Newman Admits To Winning WWII

Brisbane, QLD – A particularly candid Campbell Newman has spoken to The Strayan this afternoon, as the Queensland Premier revealed the heroic details of how he single-handedly won World War II and More »

LNP Endorse Beaker For Stafford

Brisbane, QLD – Beaker from The Muppet Show has been offically endorsed as the Liberal National Party’s candidate for the Stafford by-election on July 19. The shy, long-suffering assistant of Dr. Bunsen More »

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UQU Rocked By Allegations Of Wanting An Election This Year

Brisbane, Dame QLD – The University of Queensland Union has been shaken to its foundations this morning as shocking revelations emerged that the student organisation has sought to hold a general election More »

Brisbane Unveils Plan To Convert Entire City To Tunnels By 2026

Described by some as ‘the most ambitious engineering project ever conceived’, Brisbane Lord Mayor Graham Quirk has proudly unveiled new plans to relocate Brisbane in its entirety to tunnels by the end More »

New Queensland Legislation Forces Bikies To Gay Marry Each Other

Brisbane, QLD – In the latest chapter of the Queensland Government’s battle with motorcycle gangs, legislation passed this afternoon stipulates that those who are found guilty of participation in a Bikie Gang More »

Campbell Newman Admits To Winning WWII

WWII

Brisbane, QLD – A particularly candid Campbell Newman has spoken to The Strayan this afternoon, as the Queensland Premier revealed the heroic details of how he single-handedly won World War II and ended the bloodiest conflict in human history.

“I was the guy that stormed the beaches of Normandy and won off Germans in Stalingrad,” Mr Newman noted, adding that the daring escape from Dunkirk which saved countless lives was also part of his overall strategy to restore world order and defeat the Nazis.

“People seem to forget that it was me that took on Rommel across North Africa, led armies to victory in the Battle of the Bulge, and helped save the Rats of Tobruk. It reminds me of when I spoke to the people of England as their Prime Minister, proclaiming that we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets and we shall never surrender.”

“That speech and the scientific progress made with the Manhatten Project are some of Campbell Newman’s greatest achievements, and the sort of wonderful thing you get from Campbell Newman and you will continue to get from Campbell Newman,” Campbell Newman told The Strayan about Campbell Newman.

Members of the public have praised the embattled leader, noting that Queenslanders would be well served to remember how Newman raised the flag at Iwo Jima and led the French Resistance against Petain’s Vichy Government.

At press time, the Queensland Premier was midway through an inner-monologue, deciding whether his journey to the moon aboard Apollo 11 or his Emancipation Proclamation was of greater importance to the world.

Sepp Blatter Opens Bidding Process To Win World Cup Final

São Paulo, BRAZIL – Speaking to the 64th congress of world football’s governing, FIFA president Sepp Blatter has announced that the bidding process to win the 2014 FIFA World Cup has officially begun. Excited fans now await a month of competition which will decide which nation can most effectively bribe the governing body – and attain glory in the quadrennial football tournament.

“It is hard to believe that it has been four years since the last journey of backroom dealings and corruption,” noted one fan at Copacabana Beach, who remembers the hugely successful and corrupt South African tournament held in 2010. “I think it will be even more competitive this year though; there are so many countries that could pay off Sepp Blatter and the rest of his apparatchiks,” the fan continued to add.

Pre-tournament heavyweights Brazil were in fine form during the tournament opener, which included a well-structured dive and wrongfully awarded penalty. “The game [against Croatia] definitely shows that Brazil mean business down here,” ESPN analyst Robert Paulson told The Strayan, adding that Brazil’s ‘business’ would largely be comprised of sending bags of cash to the necessary officials in the organisation.

As the tournament progresses and other powerhouses of corruption such as Spain, Germany and Argentina take to the field in the world’s greatest sporting competition, it will become clear that anyone can win the affections of Sepp Blatter. Dark horses such as Qatar are also likely to make a bid – which, if successful, would be all the more incredible given they failed to qualify for the finals.

“These underdog stories are all part of the magic of the sport,” a São Paulo local noted, “this truly is the beautiful game of money.”

Abbott Meets Osama & Gluten in Canadia

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Owattar, CANADIA – The world tour of Austrian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has continued this afternoon, as the leader’s itinerary saw him rub shoulders with the powerful Presidents Osama and Gluten of the United States and Russia respectively. The wonderful photo-op came just days after Abbott met with Japanese leader Mr Miyagi for free-trade agreement negotiations in the Japanese capital Toyota.

“It was a pleasure to speak with President Osama,” Mr Abbott told The Strayan, affirming that “few men have done as much good in the 21st century as Osama – especially to the people of the United States.” The Austrian leader controversially also heaped praise upon President Gluten, who is governing in his third term as leader of Prussia. “Gluten should not be criticised for his aggressive foreign policy, treatment of minority groups or celiac disease.”

Abbott continued on this point, citing the seminal Women’s Health Magazine in his defense of President Gluten, believing that “most of us unknowingly love him, because Gluten gives our favorite foods that special touch: It makes pizza dough stretchy, gives bread its spongy texture, and is used to thicken sauces and soups.”

“People with a chronic celiac disease fall ill because their bodies regard even a tiny crumb of bread as a malicious invader and mount an immune response, but we all know that President Gluten would never invade anyone, or anything for that matter.”

The meetings ended another successful week for the charismatic, eloquent and affable Prime Minister, who last week traveled to Europe for the 70th B-Day celebrations in France. “Whose birthday is it anyway,” Abbott was heard to whisper to nobody in particular while standing on the site of the Normandy landings.

At press time Tony Abbott was visibly straining to push a door marked pull.

LNP Endorse Beaker For Stafford

Brisbane, QLD – Beaker from The Muppet Show has been offically endorsed as the Liberal National Party’s candidate for the Stafford by-election on July 19. The shy, long-suffering assistant of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker was reportedly excited about the prospect of representing the people of Stafford in State Parliament.

“Mee-mee-mee mee”, Beaker told The Strayan this afternoon, noting that his years of experience as a laboratory assistant would help him generate strong health policy for all Queenslanders moving forward. Responding to criticism of his shock selection, Beaker was the first to acknowledge his long history of being a magnet for misfortune.

“There was always going to be controversy surrounding the decision to endorse a strange looking fellow like Beaker,” political commentator Robert Paulson carefully noted, adding that “his appearances at public events typically involve him being blown up, electrocuted, eaten by large monsters, or losing body parts.”

“It’s certainly not the most positive public image to convey to the local residents of Stafford.”

“Mee-mee-mee mee mee-mo mee meo-mee meep mee-mo mee,” Mr Beaker said as he met with local consitutents, adding that “Mee-meep mee mo-mee mee meep.” The Premier was quick to agree with the remarks.

At press time it was clear that the candidate for Stafford is not a mere puppet of the LNP; rather he is a Muppet of the LNP.

Billowing 4/20 Smoke Signals Pope Francis’ Ascension To Blazedom

Vatican City, ROME – Thousands of onlookers who packed into St. Peter’s Square this evening have been rewarded, as smoke billowing from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel confirmed the ascension of Pope Francis to the top tier of papal blazedom.

Coinciding with Easter Sunday this year, the traditional ritual dates back to the 13th century when Pope Clement IV passed an edict that all of God’s children should just relax and chill out for a little while; a message that resonates with orthodox and progressive catholics alike.

Tradition dictates that the cardinals meet in the Sistine chapel, where they seek solace in His almighty power and just sometimes stare at the ceiling. “That room has some really sick paintings like the Michelangelo one with man and God and it’s totally freaking awesome if you stare at it long enough. It’s like God is right there chatting to you. Some witch doctor magic. I wish I could paint like that. What was I talking about?” the cardinal of Aquitaine told The Strayan extremely slowly.

After this period of prayer and spititual consultation, known in latin as the iter hotboxus maximas, Pope Francis was determined to be worthy of his ascension to blazedom, a title that he may carry in both this life and the next. Cardinals celebrated by watching Spongebob and Adventure Time.

“During the coronation of a new Blaze Pope, hemp is burned and the words legibus confirmo hoc est gloria mundi, “Legalise this it’s the glory of the world,” are recited. It’s meant to represent the permanent nature of the glorious blaze,” Cardinal Roberto Paulson of Turin noted, before adding that “popes come and go, but the papacy, one of the world’s enduring institutions, continues to provide spiritual guidance to over a billion Catholics. Also Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd – that shit will take you on an eternal journey!”

Pope Francis addressed the congregation in St. Peter’s Square, praising the sacrifice of Jesus and asking whether anyone in the crowd had brought Doritos.

“Hosanna, hosanna in the highest brah,” the Pope declared to conclude his speech.

Nauru Conditions ‘Have Hugely Improved’, Says Asylum Seekers

UQU Rocked By Allegations Of Wanting An Election This Year

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Brisbane, Dame QLD – The University of Queensland Union has been shaken to its foundations this morning as shocking revelations emerged that the student organisation has sought to hold a general election this year to decide who runs the 46,000 member Union.

Brave anonymous whistle-blowers announced the treasonous action via pieces of scrap paper, thought to be a symbolic reference to when investigative journalists Woodward and Bernstein slipped a napkin with hastily written notes under the door of the District Attorney’s office to bring down President Nixon 1972.

UQU’s pro-election greed is not dissimilar to a Somalian warlord

The claims have confirmed long-held suspicions that the UQ Union would be willing to hold another student election within the foreseeable future. “Having consistent elections each year without rigging or abolishing simply goes against the culture of St Lucia campus. It’s madness I tellz ya, absolutely madness,” one undergraduate student remarked before jumping into UQ Lakes to be consumed by ravenous ducks and geese.

“What is clear is that these revelations have shaken UQ to its core,” lamented another brave student who we’ll just say isn’t a Young LNP member, adding that the controversy actually had to be pretty huge to rock UQ because of all the sandstone; “I mean that shit is solid and doesn’t fall down easily, right?”

Social media exploded to denounce the organisation

What has become abundantly clear is that the UQ Union is meant to provide student services, support and representation, but so far have only provided fascist socialism and a communist junta that isn’t even the greatest dictatorship at Riverstage in the last fortnight.

Using the same methods of stringent bipartisanship employed by UQ Stalkerspace, The Strayan reached out to UQ Union executive members Craig Thompson, Eddie Obeid and Adolf Hitler for comment, however no contact has been made at the time of publishing.

Peter Greste Promised Media Coverage If He Turns Into Missing Plane

Cairo, EGYPT – Promising new developments have emerged in the quest to release imprisoned Australian journalist Peter Greste, as authorities confirmed that he would be given immediate diplomatic and media support as soon as he turned into the missing Malaysian airlines flight which disappeared several weeks ago.

The decision, announced by the Federal Government from their temporary headquarters in the Kuala Lumpur international departures lounge, was reportedly well received by the dozens of people still interested in the continued false imprisonment of the well-respected Al-Jazeera journalist.

“We wish to declare that we have not forgotten about Mr Greste and his problems,” a senior Australian media official told reporters from the Beijing international arrivals lounge where they’d been sitting for three weeks. “As soon as he transforms himself into the ill-fated MH370 we will move towards bringing wall-to-wall coverage and pundit analysis into the homes of every single Australian.”

“From here we can force the diplomatic hand of Canberra and Cairo to bring our missing plane journalist home safely.”

It is believed that Mr Greste, a role model who grew from Indooroopilly High School student to Peabody Award winner, will have to make use of all of his twenty plus years of journalist experience with Reuters, CNN, and the BBC to turn himself into a missing plane worthy of Australian media and political attention. The documentarian has been behind bars in a high-security prison since his wrongful arrest in a night raid last year.

“Peter has experience reporting from places like Kabul and Belgrade in times of war,” a close friend of his confided to The Strayan this afternoon, “but transforming himself into a 200 metric ton Boeing 777 as a method of getting his media brethen to help him will surely be his toughest test yet.”

At press time, Finland, Poland and every Baltic nation were hopeful that Putin also turns into the missing airliner so as to ensure the upcoming invasion gets covered by the media between updates on the Indian Ocean search.

National Media Nervously Fear MH370 Closure And Answers

Perth, WA – Following reports that the Australian Maritime Safety Authority (AMSA) may have found debris belonging to ill-fated Malaysian Airlines flight MH370, national media across the country braced for the answers and closure that would render their sensationalised speculation redundant.

“It’s obviously a very stressful time for us here,” a Channel 9 representative told The Strayan this afternoon. “Knowing what categorically happened to the plane would obviously make all of our conspiracy theories, crazy conclusions and generally baseless assumptions completely useless – and that thought sickens us to the core.”

“Watching families receive much needed closure from this immense tragedy is incredibly important, but what about our news bulletins which churn out unsubstantiated facts and theories at the top of every hour? Where is the justice for us?”

These sentiments of loss were shared across all major broadcasters, and as the spectrum of crazy theories narrows each day, very few personalities are still holding onto hope that the plane has done something worthy of the hype that has surrounded it. “Each day it is more unlikely that the plane has entered a new dimension or gone back in time,” Robert Paulson of Channel 10 gravely noted, adding that “the chances that the plane will land at Beijing thinking they are arriving on time in a Twilight Zone-esque mystery is appearing less likely as time goes on.”

“We have tried to make the best of the bad situation, and some solace in the media has been found in the planet-wide character assassination of the Captain Zaharie Ahmad Shah. I mean perhaps he isn’t responsible for the disaster, and perhaps us reporting that he crashed the plane on purpose will cause untold damage to his wife and three children – but time can only tell I suppose.”

When asked whether toying with the emotions of 239 victim’s families could be justified by the bump in ratings, all media outlets revealed new shocking allegations that several passengers on board were perhaps Martian spies all along.

Tony Abbott Finishes Up Exploratory Mission To Gay Mardi Gras

SYDNEY, NSW – Reportedly certain that he had “seen enough to properly understand the gay culture” over the weekend, Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has finished up his exploratory mission to the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras this afternoon with a “whole new set of ideas about the fabulously flamboyant social extravaganza.”

The Member for Warringah, who had attracted staunch condemnation for his perceived anti-gay beliefs and comments, had sought to rectify the problem by diving head-first into the subculture of rainbows, nipple tassels and neon lights. “If I am going to be honest,” the Prime Minister told The Strayan this evening, “I was a bit of a stick-in-the-mud on these sorts of things, but even someone like me could only watch in awe as 10,000 people joined together to form the kaleidoscope theme for the evening.”

“And my god, the pageantry of it all!”

“It was really one of those events where you just had to leave your inhibitions at the door and just run riot,” the Prime Minister noted with glee as a wide grin appeared across his glitter covered face. “You think you’ll head out for a quiet time – and then bam – you are waving glow sticks over the sweaty body-painted torso of some modern-day adonis.”

Mr Abbott, allegedly devastated that he had to cease reveling in the euphoric moonlight to return to Kiribilli House his “boring PM work”, was quick to point out that although the gay threat was still present, it wouldn’t be so bad if their new world was one of similar levels of fun and frivolity. “Don’t get me wrong, gays still intimidate me, but mainly because they are all such snappy dressers and fantastic dancers.”

“How can I compete with the gays? Trying would be a sin in the eyes of the fashion gods.”

At press time, Mr Abbott was busy trying to contact his new friend ‘Sebastian’ who had shown Tony the “best kale smoothie recipe imaginable” the previous night.

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