CSIRO Reduced To Single Thermometer

The CSIRO has been hit by another wave of budget cuts, as the nation’s pre-eminent science and research organisation was reduced to a single thermometer.

Representatives from the Federal Government told reporters this afternoon that the decision would help ‘streamline’ the CSIRO, whilst also cutting programs deemed to be superfluous. “Obviously there is a time and place to research cures for cancer, but this is a time for fiscal responsibility and we cannot allow such unnecessary projects to continue,” a press statement from the Treasury said this afternoon, which continued on to add that the single thermometer would help “guide and aid the environmental future of the country. We will now comprehensively know what the exact temperature is at all times.”

“What more is there to know about the environment?”

Questions have been raised over whether cutting resources to the CSIRO may impact Australia’s scientific and environmental future. “People have concerns which are valid, such as where this thermometer will be placed. We have chosen Sydney.” Some of the other bodies scrapped include: Australian Animals Welfare Advisory Committee; Commonwealth Firearms Advisory Committee; International Legal Services Advisory Committee; National Inter-country Adoption Advisory Council; National Steering Committee on Corporate Wrongdoing; Antarctic Animal Ethics Committee; Advisory Panel on the Marketing in Australia of Infant Formula; High Speed Rail Advisory Group; Maritime Workforce Development Forum; Advisory Panel on Positive Ageing; Insurance Reform Advisory Group; and the National Housing Supply Council.

Australians have applauded the decision, deriding the lack of results from the costly scientific projects that taxpayers have paid for over the years. “Have they even cured cancer or homosexuality yet?” Perth resident Scott Shelby rhetorically asked The Strayan before entering the local CentreLink.

At press time, the responsible Minister for Science was not available for comment, largely owing to the fact that they no longer exist.

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